I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Fuck appropriateness.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
