Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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