we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
