I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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