I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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