I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
