Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
