I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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