so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
