I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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