so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
