My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
