glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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