I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
My bed smells like the plague
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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