youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
