I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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