Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
