I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
