This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
