FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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