if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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