Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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