I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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