I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
