If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
