Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
