WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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