Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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