i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
i've created a new STD.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
