its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
