I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
