What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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