I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
