I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
