Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
