Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
