cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize