i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
