you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
