I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
