Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
