The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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