Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
