There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
