she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Randomize
