Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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