I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
