I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
