Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
