Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
