Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
