i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
