I wish I could teleport
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
