I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
