I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
