I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
