Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
