We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
