I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
