someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
