You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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