onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
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